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help and advice :: coming
out - some thoughts and suggestions
If you're asking questions about your sexuality,
then you're probably not ready to give yourself a label, or let other
people give you a label. Working it out for yourself is a journey, and
it takes time.
Nobody knows what makes someone gay, lesbian, bisexual
or straight. There have been many contradictory research projects which
set out to prove if it is genetic, or more dependent on your surroundings
while growing up. You don't choose your sexuality. It's not due to your
upbringing or the people
you hang
around with. Sometimes it just 'is' - like your hair colour or shoe size.
Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is normal. You haven't
done anything wrong. Unfortunately, not everyone in society and the
Forces sees it that way. Some people
feel threatened by
things they don't
understand, and this is particularly applicable to the more senior members
around us.
Because of this, you may be tempted to keep quiet
or pretend that you're
heterosexual.
The
trouble
is,
you
can't
hide
your
feelings
forever.
What's more, you shouldn't have to. You have a right to be proud of who
you are, to be proud2serve. Feeling that you have to hide who you
are from those around you is not healthy.
It can feel isolating to discover
that your sexuality is different to that of your friends, particularly
if you don't know anyone else
who's gay or
lesbian. That's where support groups and sites like proud2serve, gaydar,
outintheuk etc come in. It's good to talk to like-minded people - see
the networking page in the links
section and the chat
and dating site review in the proud2serve public
forum.
Telling those around you - friends, family or colleagues
- that you are gay, lesbian or bi can be a time of great anxiety and
uncertainty,
not knowing how those who you care about will react to your coming
out. Hopefully you will be able to chose the time which is right for
you and
not be pushed into it, but we'll deal with those in turn. Honesty about
their sexual orientation carries a high risk of negative response from
the
most important people in our lives.
Take time to feel comfortable with your own sexuality. If
you're not sure if you are gay, have a look at our sexuality
pages.
Don't be pushed into it, you'll know when the time is right for you.
The scary thing is not knowing how other people
will react. Start by telling a friend you can be fairly certain will
be supportive.
This
will
give you confidence.
Coming out to your
parents is a different matter. They brought you up and have hopes
and ideas about your future. They may surprise
you by saying they had suspicions for a long time. But expect them to be
upset if this news comes as a bolt from the blue. Most parents need
time to adjust.
Family love is unconditional and they should come round when they realise
you're happy.
You're not the first person to be going through this, and there are
a number of questions which friends and family will almost inevitably
ask:
When
did you
know?
Are you sure?
Have you got AIDS?
Is it
just a phase
you're going
through?
Have
you
got a
boyfriend/girlfriend?
You can help yourself by being prepared for the more
predictable of questions and thinking about how you are going to answer
them, to whom,
in advance. You can pre-empt these and have the best answers to help
those around you as well, and Stranger in
the Family is a good starting
point.
If you have decided that it is now time to come out,
please have a read through the hints and tips on the following
page. It's not a proscriptive
list, just some pointers you might find helpful on the day :: hints
and tips for the day.
Don't expect everyone to be happy. Life isn't perfect.
Ignorant people can be hurtful, even your family can be. The support
of your true friends should help you get through it all. If you do have
problems with physical or verbal abuse then consult the links section
for civilian and forces-related
helplines (see the forum advice
topic as well), or if it is in the
workplace, speak to you Equality and Diversity Officer (there is one
on every base/station) as you are protected by JSP
763.
page: help and advice :: comingoutthoughts.htm
updated: 14 Dec 05
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