Help & Advice - Coming out

Am I gay?

If you're asking questions about your sexuality, then you're probably not ready to give yourself a label, or let other people give you a label. Working it out for yourself is a journey, and it takes time.

Nobody knows what makes someone gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight. There have been many contradictory research projects which set out to prove if it is genetic, or more dependent on your surroundings while growing up. You don't choose your sexuality. It's not due to your upbringing or the people you hang around with. Sometimes it just 'is' - like your hair colour or shoe size.

Am I normal?

Being gay, lesbian or bisexual is normal. You haven't done anything wrong. Unfortunately, not everyone in society and the Forces sees it that way. Some people feel threatened by things they don't understand, and this is particularly applicable to the more senior members around us.

Because of this, you may be tempted to keep quiet or pretend that you're heterosexual. The trouble is, you can't hide your feelings forever. What's more, you shouldn't have to. You have a right to be proud of who you are, to be proud2serve. Feeling that you have to hide who you are from those around you is not healthy.

It can feel isolating to discover that your sexuality is different to that of your friends, particularly if you don't know anyone else who's gay or lesbian. That's where support groups and sites like proud2serve, gaydar, outintheuk etc come in. It's good to talk to like-minded people - see the networking page in the links section and the chat and dating site review in the proud2serve public forum.

Coming Out

Telling those around you - friends, family or colleagues - that you are gay, lesbian or bi can be a time of great anxiety and uncertainty, not knowing how those who you care about will react to your coming out. Hopefully you will be able to chose the time which is right for you and not be pushed into it, but we'll deal with those in turn. Honesty about their sexual orientation carries a high risk of negative response from the most important people in our lives.

Choosing your time

Take time to feel comfortable with your own sexuality. If you're not sure if you are gay, have a look at our sexuality pages.
Don't be pushed into it, you'll know when the time is right for you.

How will people react

The scary thing is not knowing how other people will react. Start by telling a friend you can be fairly certain will be supportive. This will give you confidence.

Coming out to your parents is a different matter. They brought you up and have hopes and ideas about your future. They may surprise you by saying they had suspicions for a long time. But expect them to be upset if this news comes as a bolt from the blue. Most parents need time to adjust. Family love is unconditional and they should come round when they realise you're happy.

Frequently asked questions

You're not the first person to be going through this, and there are a number of questions which friends and family will almost inevitably ask:

• When did you know?
• Are you sure?
• Have you got AIDS?
• Is it just a phase you're going through?
• Have you got a boyfriend/girlfriend?

You can help yourself by being prepared for the more predictable of questions and thinking about how you are going to answer them, to whom, in advance. You can pre-empt these and have the best answers to help those around you as well, and Stranger in the Family is a good starting point.

Hints and tips for when you decide to tell people

If you have decided that it is now time to come out, please have a read through the hints and tips on the following page. It's not a proscriptive list, just some pointers you might find helpful on the day.

If it isn't all going your way

Don't expect everyone to be happy. Life isn't perfect. Ignorant people can be hurtful, even your family can be. The support of your true friends should help you get through it all. If you do have problems with physical or verbal abuse then consult the links section for civilian and forces-related helplines (see the forum advice topic as well), or if it is in the workplace, speak to you Equality and Diversity Adviser (there is one on every base/station) as you are protected by JSP 763.